Resistance is Futile!
Douglas Adams would have noted the link between the Labour Party and 1978 - and it's not what you think
Today, a light-hearted diversion from economics into literature.
A couple of days ago, Wes Streeting told Camilla Tominey that “people were forewarned, so they can’t complain now” about Corbyn’s Education Tax. It reminded me of something and I’ve been scratching my head. It’s like a timewarp, a deja vu.
I’m (a bit) sorry to hammer Streeting in particular, because he’s saying some vaguely sensible things about the NHS. Regarding Education Tax, he’s probably speaking out of Cabinet solidarity not conviction, unlike Bridget Phillipson who definitely wants to trash independently-educated children.
But “IF YOU WERE WARNED, YOU CAN’T COMPLAIN” has no place in any society, let alone the Mother of all Parliaments.
It falls to the trite retort “so if I tell you I’m going to thump you, does that mean I’m allowed to do it?” (The answer’s no, for you at the back).
It’s slightly less trite to observe that pensioners losing winter fuel payments weren’t “forewarned”, quite the opposite.
Then there’s Burke’s concept of opposition. Burke would insist that somebody complains about what government is up to. Streeting is demanding an end to debate, committees, questions, representation, checks and balances.
This afternoon I had a lightbulb moment. Labour is taking us back to the late 1970s. Not to the Winter of Discontent (well, probably, but not today).
We’re being governed by Vogons.
The Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy, 1978
Let’s picture the scene, for non-Hitchhikers fans. Arthur Dent, our hero, learns his house is going to be demolished (today, now) in favour of a bypass. He’s told it’s too late to complain. He’s told he had plenty of warning because the plans were posted in the council office. IF YOU WERE WARNED, YOU CAN’T COMPLAIN.
Just as the bulldozers start to roll, the Vogon Construction Fleet arrive ready to destroy Planet Earth in favour of an intergalactic hyperspace expressway. Humans are told they had plenty of warning because the plans were posted in Alpha Centauri, four light-years away. IF YOU WERE WARNED, YOU CAN’T COMPLAIN.
In this brilliantly funny chapter, Douglas Adams is giving us some beautiful literary wisdom:
Information is power, and power is everything
Context is also everything (the shift in focus from the destruction of Dent’s house to the destruction of the planet is jarring. Why did you assume humanity is the centre of morality?)
Language is also everything. The Vogon Construction Fleet doesn’t actually construct anything. It’s very much a Demolition Fleet. The Vogons don’t do anything creative. They are the Galaxy’s bureaucrats as I’ll explain shortly.
In the rest of the Hitchhiker series - this will also ring a bell - you never find out if the Intergalactic hyperspace expressway was a good idea, or who decided it was a good idea, or if it could be built differently (without destroying Earth), or even if it was ever built at all. From the Vogon perspective, those wouldn’t be remotely interesting questions. Why did you assume they’d be interesting questions? YOU WERE WARNED, YOU CAN’T COMPLAIN. They were told to destroy Earth, and destroy Earth they must.
Regarding Labour’s Education Tax, we’re not allowed to ask whether it’s a good idea, or whether £1.5bn could be raised more effectively by some other means, or whether £1.5bn will actually be ring-fenced for education, or how intended benefits and unintended harms will be audited. From Labour’s perspective, those wouldn’t be remotely interesting questions. Why did you assume they’d be interesting questions? YOU WERE WARNED, YOU CAN’T COMPLAIN. They’ve decided to tax education, and tax education they must.
Arthur Dent escapes along with his friend Ford Prefect, the eponymous Hitchhiker. And they hitch a ride with the ghastly Vogons.
About the Vogons
Ford Prefect’s Guide describes Vogons as:
“one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy—not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous"
Somewhere back in their history, the Vogons
“banished the ruling philosophers to the tax office to lick stamps and within a few short Voge years took over pretty much all of the galactic civil service”
Elsewhere in the Hitchhiker series, there is some discussion of Vogon evolution. They shared a planet with some being or other that battered them about the head if they had an original or creative thought. Through the ages, they wound up as Adams describes them, perfectly adapted to bureaucracy and incapable of anything else.
Then there’s Bridget Phillipson. Is she a Vogon also? Or Nurse Mildred Ratched? What do you think?
I’m fed up with being asked questions about VAT.
The public are right behind this policy. We’re definitely doing it regardless of the harms.
There are no harms. IF YOU WERE WARNED, YOU CAN’T COMPLAIN.
Release some violent offenders early to ease overcrowding in prisons; force more kids and bigger classes to ensure we have overcrowding in schools. Sleepless nights for parents can match sleepless nights for domestic abuse victims!
It doesn’t matter if state schools are chock-full in some areas today, I have some research saying on average there will be places available in six years’ time. Surrey has plenty of school places now! They’re in Sunderland, in the future.
Schools can absorb the expense without putting jobs at risk. They can find 15-20pc from their 2-3pc operating surpluses. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE! (the Vogons’ other catchphrase)
We’re making brilliant education. We’re in construction of brilliant education.
If we’re not careful, they’ll start with the unbearably awful Vogon poetry next. As though what they’re doing to the country isn’t torture enough.
Love Douglas Adams. He was onto the lizard conspiracy theory early:
“It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see..."
"You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?"
"No," said Ford, who by this time was a little more rational and coherent than he had been, having finally had the coffee forced down him, "nothing so simple. Nothing anything like so straightforward. On its world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people."
"Odd," said Arthur, "I thought you said it was a democracy."
"I did," said Ford. "It is."
"So," said Arthur, hoping he wasn't sounding ridiculously obtuse, "why don't people get rid of the lizards?"
"It honestly doesn't occur to them," said Ford. "They've all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they've voted in more or less approximates to the government they want."
"You mean they actually vote for the lizards?"
"Oh yes," said Ford with a shrug, "of course."
"But," said Arthur, going for the big one again, "why?"
"Because if they didn't vote for a lizard," said Ford, "the wrong lizard might get in. Got any gin?"
"What?"
"I said," said Ford, with an increasing air of urgency creeping into his voice, "have you got any gin?"
"I'll look. Tell me about the lizards."
Ford shrugged again.
"Some people say that the lizards are the best thing that ever happened to them," he said. "They're completely wrong of course, completely and utterly wrong, but someone's got to say it."
"But that's terrible," said Arthur.
"Listen, bud," said Ford, "if I had one Altairian dollar for every time I heard one bit of the Universe look at another bit of the Universe and say 'That's terrible' I wouldn't be sitting here like a lemon looking for a gin.” (So long and thanks for all the fish)
Great analogy especially as I have just re-read Hitchhikers Guide. Let’s hope they find the meaning of life (better way to find the funds than taxing children).